After unsuccessfully dabbling with kinesiology treatments and yet more physiotherapy, I began to wonder if the problem might be psychosomatic. As I explored the mind-body connection, I stumbled upon the work of Dr John E. Sarno and a condition called Tension Myositis Syndrome (TMS). He suggested that chronic pain could be the mind’s attempt to distract from suppressed emotions — rage, guilt, frustration — which we often bury beneath our efforts to be good, helpful, accommodating, and never fail.
This didn’t just explain my mysterious symptoms and the lack of any clear medical findings — it also described me. TMS sufferers often have perfectionist tendencies and a habit of suppressing uncomfortable emotions. I had certainly been deeply upset by things in my past, but believed I’d crossed the forgiveness threshold and moved on. Still, I figured it couldn’t hurt to explore the possibility further.
I saw a psychoanalyst, who asked me to write letters to three people from my past who may have ‘wronged’ me — not to send, but purely as a private exercise. The idea was to explore any lingering emotional residue I might still be carrying. With my three suspects lined up, I set about my task, but when I tried writing the letters, I struggled. I was too reasonable. Too eager to understand and excuse. I was even apologetic.
“Get angry for goodness’ sake,” my psychoanalyst urged me at the next session. “You’re not sending it. Just let it out.”
That’s when things shifted. As I searched the house for inspiration, I found a cardboard box containing old notebooks, faded faxes, bank statements, tax returns and a bulging folder of letters. I’d hit paydirt and began to write. Once I allowed that voice out, I hit a wellspring of unprocessed emotion. I wrote compulsively for weeks. I’d hoped to feel relief afterwards — the kind of emotional detox people describe when they ‘finally let it out’ — but instead, I felt considerably worse. More weighted down, not less. I planned to talk it through in my next session.
But I never made that appointment. Something happened that set in motion a chain of events that solved the mystery once and for all.
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