RUN AWAY from noise with haste and remember what peace may be found when you sleep in your favourite place in the sun.
As far as possible, without surrender, act superior to all other animals (especially dogs).
Speak your truth loudly and clearly and never respond to your owner’s calls. Act deaf and ignorant; they don’t own you.
Avoid loud and aggressive dogs; they are a pain in the arse.
If you get compared to other pets you have every right to become angry and bitter, for there will never be a pet greater than a cat.
Make a big fuss about your achievements and always remember to wash vigorously after embarrassing stuff ups.
Exercise caution when crossing the road, for the town is full of crazy drivers who don’t like cats. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many humans are actually quite nice when you get to know them.
Be yourself. Especially try to get admiration and love without comprising your standards.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you from sudden panic attacks that arise when you distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many of these fears can be overcome by kneading your paws on a fleecy dressing gown for a short while.
Discipline yourself not to get too enthusiastic about the food you are offered. Take a few bites and then look disappointed; otherwise you will be living off budget brand tinned food for the rest of your life.
Teach people to be gentle with you. You are the most important cat in the universe. You have a right to be here.
And finally, always sleep on the bed, whatever your circumstances may be. And whatever your labours and aspirations in the lazy day of a cat’s life, keep peace with your owner. Remind them that with all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is a much more beautiful world when shared with a cat.
Purr loudly when you’re happy.